Expensive Amy: My ex-husband and I had a troublesome, drawn-out divorce after 26 years of marriage, with eight years of unhappiness and nil intercourse (and no — the shortage of intercourse and preventing over cash had been as a result of HIM, not me).
After the divorce I moved again to the Midwest, moved in with my expensive mother and father, struggled to restart my profession, and have moved on with wholesome actions and friendships/relationships over the past decade.
Our youngsters are all adults now and the ex and I are introduced collectively extra usually as a result of births, weddings, and many others., however he continues to completely “ghost” me. He by no means greets me, by no means directs a phrase towards me and even appears at me.
My pals and daughter inform me, “Simply ignore him. He needs nothing to do with you.”
That is nonetheless hurtful to me in any case this time.
I nonetheless ship him birthday playing cards, emails and notes now and again.
How do you suggest I take care of this?
Expensive Exed-Out: Ghosting is when somebody principally ceases all contact.
In case you didn’t attain out to your ex with birthday playing cards and different messages, you wouldn’t really feel fairly so “ghosted,” as a result of each time you attain out, you’re triggering an expectation that your contact will encourage your ex to react or reply. You must cease.
Sure, this can be very impolite for him to be in your presence at a household occasion and to behave as in the event you don’t exist, however he doesn’t need to have something to do with you, and he’s attempting mightily to not have something to do with you.
I counsel that you must try to cordially share area with him throughout household occasions, greeting him verbally (if he doesn’t reply, that’s his downside) and behaving neutrally in any other case. In brief, sure – ignore him.
Expensive Amy: As a retired minister, I’m often requested to steer funeral providers or weddings. Most pastors don’t “cost” a set payment for such providers however sometimes obtain an honorarium. Previously yr, I ready and led a number of funerals and a marriage. I obtained nothing for one of many funerals, and fewer than $100 for the marriage.
Evaluating that “present” to the 1000’s spent on venue, clothes, leisure, drinks, and dinner, I couldn’t assist however really feel as if my work was completely unvalued. The quantity obtained didn’t even cowl my mileage!
In fact, it doesn’t matter what the worth, I put my coronary heart into these providers of worship, however they demand laborious work and plenty of time, and pastors do have bills.
I cannot set a payment, as a result of I’m prepared to serve these whose monetary sources are really restricted. Any strategies?
– Puzzled Pastor
Expensive Puzzled: It appears to me that as a retired minister, you must truly “cost” for conducting a service. You might be primarily a pastor-for-hire, in a position to settle for or decline requests that come your means.
My principle is that most individuals merely have no idea if – or how – pastors are compensated for “further” providers, and so they consider it’s too awkward to inquire.
Whenever you obtain that first inquiry, you must state: “I cost XX to carry out a marriage service. This contains conferences with the couple upfront of the ceremony, conducting the rehearsal, and the marriage ceremony, itself.”
For a funeral, you would possibly state: “I usually cost XX to carry out a funeral service. Would this current a further hardship for you? If that’s the case, I might be prepared to cut back or waive my payment.”
Total, I’m suggesting that you simply merely be sort and clear on the outset. You’d be doing households (and your self) a favor.
Expensive Amy: I’m responding to the query from “Baker” about supplying sugar and gluten-free meals for a relative.
I used to be born with a medical situation which means I need to abide by a extremely restrictive weight loss program.
Once I was a child, dietary restrictions had been unparalleled and barely talked about.
My prolonged household believed that my mom and I made all of it as much as get consideration. At household gatherings, whereas my prolonged and speedy household ate pie and goodies, I had a cup of water.
I by no means held any resentment towards them, however I all the time felt excluded. Other than some occasions when my mom may make one thing particular for me, I all the time wished and hoped that others would possibly make meals that I may get pleasure from together with everybody else.
Expensive Excluded: I can think about how this will need to have felt. As I mentioned to “Baker,” offering meals that her visitor may safely eat is the appropriate factor for a number to do.
(You’ll be able to electronic mail Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or ship a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Field 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can even comply with her on Twitter @askingamy or Fb.)